Not Newt: As Long As We’re Guessing How Voters Voted in SC Instead of Counting, Ya Know, Votes…

Columbia, SC 21 Jan 2012 1901 EST – John H. Hudgens, III, Chairman of the South Carolina Election Commission stunned the nation when, seconds after polls closed, he announced Democrat Alvin Greene as the winner of today’s South Carolina Republican Presidential primary.

In a hastily called press conference in the lobby of the building housing the Election Commission, Hudgens reported that Greene received 57.2% of the vote. Herman Cain was a distant second with 17.2%, followed closely by Michelle Bachmann at 16.8%. All other candidates were “in the low single digits.” These numbers were, of course, reported by the 100% unverifiable ES&S iVotronic touch-screen systems used to record and tabulate votes across the entire Palmetto State in the all-important “First-in-the-South” primary.

When pressed for actual numbers, Hudgens said exact vote totals will never be released (much less tabulated), since “The environmentally friendly iVotronic machines decided to only produce percentages, thus saving paper and the wear and tear of computer printers. He added “The state of South Carolina has long maintained that we don’t think it’s all that important to know how voters actually voted, otherwise we would use a verifiable voting system. The important thing is who beat whom, and at 1 minute after polls closed in the great state of South Carolina we’re able to report as much. Anybody who says otherwise is either a liar, has sour grapes, is a conspiracy theorist or a supporter of Ron Paul’s.”

When asked how Greene, who wasn’t on the ballot, could possibly have won, Hudgens replied that he didn’t know, but that he has full faith in the tabulation contractor hired by South Carolina to gather precinct reports and tabulate the totals: “They’re good ole boys and I refuse to believe them capable of playing with the totals. It was probably through an aggressive, write-in campaign.”

Greene, best known for his upset victory in the 2010 South Carolina Democratic Senatorial primary, was reached at his home and reacted “Huh?” but quickly recovered and said he intends to compete aggressively in Nevada and Florida using the secretive and hitherto unknown campaign staff and army of volunteers he first used in 2010. Recently, a few disgruntled volunteers have leaked that his army is primarily composed of hackers, and they insisted on anonymity in fear of identity theft.

Greene’s win today in South Carolina helps the state avoid the embarrassment GOP officials had in Iowa where voters were allowed to vote on paper ballots and watch those paper ballots counted before their very eyes, allowing for an accurate result where Rick Santorum was found to have been the winner by all accounts, even after the GOP establishment there did their best to inaccurately name Mitt Romney the winner.

“There will be no such confusion in South Carolina tonight!,” Hudgens said.